No joy

I'm a planner, mostly because I like to know what's ahead, what's coming. I anticipate, I prepare. And I look forward to things. Except these days when I just don't want to do anything. I don't want to go to work, I don't want to train, I don't want to see or talk with my family, I don't want to socialize with friends.

I just want to be left alone for a while. Not a long time, not forever, I just need a break. I don't want to go to picnics or parties and I don't want to go out to eat. Since just about every damn thing makes me cry, I don't particularly want to be in public at all.

I'm not feeling part of my new team but that's at least partly my fault. There have been emails about get-togethers but I'm just too tired to go. And I'm not feeling perky and upbeat and go-teamish and I certainly don't want to be the wet blanket.

I awake every morning feeling nauseous and I don't know if that's a physical thing or just my body rebelling from what my emotions are feeling. I feel pulled in every direction and my overdeveloped sense of responsibility is keeping me from telling everyone to just back off.

Holiday weekend my ass. Just another time when I'll be babysitting my mother, trying to pretend I'm sweet and loving and caring. I just want to hover under a blanket and not leave my (filthy disgusting) house.