Blue Tuesday

I ran last night with Pam and Olivia. True to form, I couldn't keep up with them. I managed a couple of miles and then when Olivia passed me by and I kept increasing my own speed to keep pace, I finally waved them on. I wheezed my way for the last mile and walked the final tenth or so. My lungs felt like someone had taken sandpaper to them and I was trying to hold myself back from coughing. The air was better, but not good enough. And I didn't do myself any favors trying to run. But I think I'll only have 4 more chances to run with Pam before she leaves and I intend to take every chance.

I woke up early this morning feeling that I was done sleeping. It was still dark so I glanced at the clock: 1am. Great, 2 hours sleep. I tossed and turned the rest of the night. Either I was too hot, too cold, too stiff, too sore, couldn't breathe. I'm glad I slept Sunday night, even though it took a pill to do that. I don't want to get in the habit of pilling to sleep.

I'm so on edge emotionally that I'm ready to burst. I was hanging on a thread before I found out that Pam and Sandy were leaving and that made it worse. Every little bitty thing is making me cry and I'm sick of it. I had a little talk with myself this morning and said I was done with it and then I got in the office and started weeping again. And I was showing some bad evidence of road rage on the way to work that is totally unlike me.

My mom called me this morning and said they still hadn't scheduled a time for her surgery. What the hell? It's the day after tomorrow. I just don't understand how it hasn't already been set for a time. Obviously they have to book the surgical room, they have to tell the surgeon where to be and when. Maybe a week ago they wouldn't know, but it's 48 hours from now. How the hell is someone supposed to schedule their rides and their aftercare if they don't even know when it'll be needed? Oh, and supposedly they told my mom that they weren't certain she'd need someone with her after the surgery and she should wait and talk with the surgeon when the surgery is finished. I'm really hoping she was confused about that because otherwise I want to go over there and knock some sense in their heads. If she needed aftercare 2 weeks ago when she was originally scheduled then she sure as shit will need it this time. What's the matter with those people?

I want to go home, pull the covers over my head, hug a bear and just pass out. I'm having a hard time dealing with life today.